I try to check my e-mail as often as possible, although today I finally checked it like at 10:30pm. Luckily there wasn't much on there. I have been feeling really tired at night. Rowan likes to check e-mail with Mama, unfortunately that often means that she manages to shut my laptop down just as I am reading an e-mail from my boss. She loves that on/off button.I love being home on Tuesdays and Thursdays all day to just be with my daughter. She is so much fun. I am trying to develop discipline that when I work I am focused and when I am not working, I am all Mama. I have trouble when I get home from work turning off that part of my brain that is thinking about all that I have left undone and all that I have to do. I want to focus in on Rowan and I cherish so much the time we spend together. I enjoy my job and it is very much part of me. If I didn't work at all I think I would lose a huge part of what makes me, well me. Some days I feel like I suck at my job and I suck at being a Mom. There are days when I am overwhelmed and distraught. I get torn between my values and my ambitions and my day-to-day realities. If I worked more and pushed more, I would be financially more stable. If I stayed at home maybe I would be a better Mother. I don't want to let Rowan down. Some days, I worry about the crazy balancing act that I have going. Today, I know I could do a better job at both but I look forward to trying to do better tomorrow.
