I try to check my e-mail as often as possible, although today I finally checked it like at 10:30pm. Luckily there wasn't much on there. I have been feeling really tired at night. Rowan likes to check e-mail with Mama, unfortunately that often means that she manages to shut my laptop down just as I am reading an e-mail from my boss. She loves that on/off button.I love being home on Tuesdays and Thursdays all day to just be with my daughter. She is so much fun. I am trying to develop discipline that when I work I am focused and when I am not working, I am all Mama. I have trouble when I get home from work turning off that part of my brain that is thinking about all that I have left undone and all that I have to do. I want to focus in on Rowan and I cherish so much the time we spend together. I enjoy my job and it is very much part of me. If I didn't work at all I think I would lose a huge part of what makes me, well me. Some days I feel like I suck at my job and I suck at being a Mom. There are days when I am overwhelmed and distraught. I get torn between my values and my ambitions and my day-to-day realities. If I worked more and pushed more, I would be financially more stable. If I stayed at home maybe I would be a better Mother. I don't want to let Rowan down. Some days, I worry about the crazy balancing act that I have going. Today, I know I could do a better job at both but I look forward to trying to do better tomorrow.
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Mommy knows better after last Saturday's family party. Rowan floored everyone, especially her male counsins. The pool was 55 degrees. The cousins are big and tough. Ella and Rowan went into the pool and neither would get out. Blue is their favorite color. They all took turns on Idol singing with Rowan dancing for all sets. This weekend, Rowan managed to call her pop-pop herself on his cell. Talk about smart-kind of scary for a 15 month old. She talks to ab ab a lot which I love. Ana, I need to come up and be your slave again. You are the best. Love Mo and Ab Ab.
I recently went back to work 3 days a week and have had many of the same feelings... Could I be a better Mom? Could I be a better worker? This seems to be the guilt of the modern Mother; do Dads feel the same?
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